Thought you

were going to call me.

It

sort of reminds me of camping.




Is this what you were wanting?




I need to find a job I can handle full-time,
something with benefits and a living wage,
something that doesn't make me want to ________.

Here is a post

about vegan food. I had a headache.
Kept waking. To turn is to wake
sometimes. To turn is to wake.

And my phone is always dying now.
I stick it in the car, but not. For long
enough. (But not for long enough).

Place quotation marks around what.
"What?" He was always asking questions
while the boots fell a[part]. Things
break. Their nature is to fracture
to disintegration. It's nature. To fracture.

To bombs away
explode.

X-mess

"Look how sweaty I am after just a half-hour"
Christmas mice Christmas mice
"It starts at 6:30"
email me or something

I can make myself not think of things
in the ways I tend to think of things.

Johnny Carson's entire life.
Eggnog and the sleeves don't fit. (Is that
a natural progression? Fuck fuck.)

I hate these home for the holidays things.
What to do what to do about ______
feeling ______.

These blanks do not denote a thing. My grades
are back and 2 A's, A plus, A minus, B plus.
(You were there when I was upset about that last)
(I just couldn't bullshit that class) I have a fucking
3.9 cumulative GPA which I assume means
I am intelligent(?)

Marry X-mess. Just do it.

I think to have

the things I want I need
to be a different person.

I'm suffering from cognitive dissonance
constantly. As well as conflation of life
and of dreams. Our thermostat is set
on 46. Why am I cemented
to the most mundane brush-aways?

Oh God. I must make Christmas mice!

Ring Ring

Me: Lincoln Espresso, how may I help you?
Caller: ...Who is this?
Me: Rachael.
Click.

Um...(?)

done done done with

Finals. And
I have no cavities
just teeth.

Aaaaand

reactivated

Deactivated

deactivation

Finish liiiiiiiiine! Where aaaare youuuuuuu!

To Do:

artistic project for shakespeare/chaucer/milton: write allisoun song

final portfolio -

write:
a.final course narrative
b.portfolio cover letter

include:
a. midterm course narrative
b. 3 peer reviews


include/write:

project one
a. copies of journal entries w/out names
b. first draft of booklet
c. final draft of booklet
d. final author's note

project two
a. first draft
b. all other drafts
c. final draft
d. final author's note

project three
a. first draft
b. all other drafts
c. final draft
d. email barbara re:gender neutral pronouns or do other research
e. message fb re gender neutral pronouns
f. final draft
g. final author's note

Ugh

reading about abortion, about the pre-legalized abortion times
and even pre-legalized birth control (especially for the un-marrieds)
upsets me so much.

particularly this story of a 29 year old mother of eight
who dies in an emergency room
after a botched illegal abortion

fucking
upsetting. makes me want to rip my ovaries out.

or to have removed her ovaries for her so she didn't have to DIE BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT 9 KIDS IN 9 YEARS OR SOMETHING. I mean seriously. I don't know if I can make myself protest against abortion, as I've set myself up to have to do. I am having a hell of a time making this paper longer than 12 pages.

wake up crying

grab the body of the boy


this is my theory
of advice to you

comments stolen from "lindsay lohan's myspace blog"

*****
Lesbianism and Homosexual ity is Foul and Nasty, and Completely out of the WILL of God. Yes, most People know this and Still decide to Live their Lives like Christ is not real and his Promises will not come to past. It's a Certain way you Address it though or it will be Ill received. I am really praying for Lindsay Lohan, and all those Lost Souls in Hollywood. It's Sad. People are so lost and Everything that the Bible has said in Revelation s is Coming to Past, and Most of it already has. PEOPLE, We did not get here by some Random Higher Power. His name is JESUS and His Promises are REAL. Stop Playing With God. Heaven is Real. Hell is Real, and When God said (Thou Shalt Not Lye with another Woman if you are a Woman and Vice Versa. He really meant it. It's a Commandmen t, Not a Choice. I know that Some People are going to Have their Negative Stuff to Say, but That's your Soul. I'll be Praying for you. God Bless!
- blackhairgirl

*****
Nasty, skanky, confused, chemically addicted lesbians. Disgusting . Let me break something down for you there chic..... She is not a man. She just wants to be one. And she probably hates them all at the same time.
I'm going to design a line of clothing for women who hate men, who envy men, who like women... Where to start...
-blondguy

*****
you know you miss the cock. you KNOW you do. don't deny it. sorry, but Sam can't fulfill your "cock " needs...th ere's nothing like the real thing! lol. you're going to go back to men soon enough. it's a phase Linds, just a phase.
-blondgirl

*****
YAY! Now all I need is for Natalie Portman to say shes gay :) MMM
-cutebrunette

*****
wtf lesibian ass
get straight no one wants some fag celebrity on MTV
fuckin fag
-dumbass

*****
Ok, my girls and I have been a fan of your's since watching the re-make of parent trap. But upon learning that you are lesbian and you are flaunting it like crazy, I am no longer a fan nor will I allow my children to watch anything of your's. Why was this something that the world needed to know about you. Can't you celeb's keep your personal life, personal.. ..??? Maybe too many people must know but you celebs need to learn how to keep things personal.
-needs to learn how to use apostrophes



*****
Homosexual ity sucks!!
Sickening! !
You people are nasty!!
ewwwwwww
God is against it and so am I!!!
Why is it always the pretty people that want to be a homo?
ugh its sickening
- may actually be a lesbian (secretly)

I've sort of been wanting to learn how to swing dance for awhile.

So I was looking at the non-credit course catalog for SCC today, and lo and behold!, "Jitterbug and East Coast Swing" course next semester, $86 per couple. Wednesday at 8 or Thursday at 6; 8 sessions.

Lincoln Espresso Live Blogging

boss: what's in the coffee pot, on the counter, by the bags of coffee?
me: (goes to check) cigarettes.
boss: make me a tall mocha. hot.

customer: what can I get for 73 cents?
me: nothing.


customer: grande latte.
me: (makes order) here you go! here's your change!
customer: thanks. (drives off)

customer: tall coffee please!
me: (makes order) here you go!
customer: thank you! (puts a quarter in the tip jar)

customer: tall mocha with caramel and whip.
me: (makes order) here you are, here's your change
customer: thanks. (drives off)


dear mr. grande mocha:
i greatly appreciate the 73 cent tip. it has raised my total to nearly a dollar this morning.

I hate

wearing pants

this is a mockery of liveblog.

what is a liveblog, definitively?

oh relatives. oh i am sort of drunken
and full so full. i didn't really like the celebration roast.
everything else was good. i am excited for tomorrow.

man now we have to do the whole socializing thing and maybe go on a walk together when i just wanna nap and/or stare at the great makeup job i did.

wah-wah :/

Thanksgiving liveblog.

It is impossible to sleep past 7:30 in my parents' house. More precisely, it is impossible to sleep more than an hour past when my mom wakes up. This is usually 7ish, but this morning was 6ish. Hence a wake up time for me that is usually only possible if A. I have School or B. I have Work. Sometimes not even then.

I have had to clean parts of this house I no longer live in, which is and was always sort of frustrating; but I put on Jens Lekman and somehow dancing became mopping and/or clearing off surfaces. As it often does. As it often does.

We have, already, four pies and a large peach crisp. Pumpkin, pumpkin, apple-pecan, apple-pecan, organic whipped cream. And I finally got to try some of that fried ice cream (the flavor not the spectacle) and it was: decent.

I ate the hottest cheese ever last night (pepper jack on steroids), and while semi-inebriated and slicing towards my finger (unsurprisingly) cut myself. Picture later of waterlogged finger after band aid removal this morning.
It's pretty gross and/or cool looking.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION ROAST.

oh - OH! people so angry so many angry people
and unintelligent at that
i'm unsure of the proper vocabulary term
of the proper way to describe
this uninformed rage against othered groups

i just can't love you all when you're spouting that way
so i just log out and listen to wolf parade

still concern
but really
please
just cool your jets

do a little dance if it's still in you

maybe we should go back to living in tribes




there are problems in every solution

A person

generally
grows hair

on some parts
of the body.

Without which
the sweat

would be too
much.

Like
soysauce.

Salty. Devil's
spit. No

really it burns
tongues. Hair

keeps the moisture
enough

from the skin.

I will make you a cake

if you let me
and pay me

and it will be magnificent. I am serious
and I neeeeed your ordering around of me (from me)
just tell me

So this looks pretty sweet.

Some man

gave me a tip of all of his change - consisting of $2.54. I was so confused by this, as it doubled my total tips for this three-hour period I've been working. I put the the 54 cents in the cup at his request. And then he kept gesturing. One dollar? Both?! THANK you.

Omaha

I am looking up events and am finally able to teem with excitement
or at least feel some sort of yayness
because this time there will be events to attend!


Saturday is free at the Joslyn and Bemis is free and open 12-5 as well (The Bemis Underground will be transformed into landscapes of the mind as Kansas City-based artists Susan White and Corrie Van Sice exhibition Navigating the Neurosphere)

There's a Kubrick fest at Film Streams and: Lolita / Barry Lyndon (Nov 28-Dec 4)

We could even see the Berenstein Bears Save Christmas!

The Holiday Lights Festival is up and ready for viewing!

Oh my God - complimentary horse and carriage rides at Village Pointe! Actually, that Friday is going to be Holiday madness in general at Village Pointe.

`````````````````````````birds

I just experienced a moment of "what the fuck am I doing?" Or maybe you did. Or we both simultaneously experienced. And now I'm remembering his apartment. I think because of the pictures, the collage. What was all this talk today? I don't want to make myself do anything.

mmmm yesss

it does freak me out
all the people
particularly that one

man by the phone
booth the one
that's always there

whenever i walk
or bike by and
it's like a car

with the headphones
in but not
because they can get you


what the fuck am i
talking about

that man
by the telephone booth

have been suffering

low self esteem
lately

blah sick feeling go away

I don't know...

this hummus is preeetty old

It's only

when things hit
right. In the chest
or

the gut. That
sensation of "Oh
yeah.

Right. She's got it
right."

"While I'm alive

I'll feel alive."

Makeup makes me
something



pretty
and pretty much
the best cookies
every

you
should
try one

I HATE

BEING SICK
I CANNOT CONCENTRATE ON THIS FUCKING PAPER
I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO CLASS TOMORROW

The only time

I feel okay
is when I am on
the internet.

Ps. I can now be found out by everyone.
All my internet social networks are combining.
Everyone I know is on everything else and the same things.
Not even my dad is cut off.
Still, Eric can't read anything I post about him on facebook.

Palin exercising her right to privacy

so as not to feel
embarrassed about voting Obama,
because even she knows it's the better choice.

query

made drink out of soy milk
french vanilla coffee mate
cherry schnapps
ice

milk curdle-y after adding cherry

why so?

Dear Sarah,

I decided not to break
the drinking pattern.

Dear Everyone,
I'm nervous. I'm excited.
I link to this at a loss:

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/11/barack-obama-fo.html

Happy Halloween~!

I anticipate a costumed night of drinking.

I know

I'm just
partying
with Amanda.

so.

i just came out
to my feminist theories class
and it was really

awkward. i felt like my face was suddenly
blushing uncontrollably and i was all hot
so i stopped talking.

advice: don't come out to people
when you don't fall into a specific category

of sexual orientation. don't do it
in class.

oh sharp things

don't hit me.
don't stab
me with your
blunt

edge's

edge.





i do like you
yo yo ma
as a wolfe
enjoys a violinist

wolf? beautiful
olives

beautiful music.

I just can't

go to class today. I need to be registered
I need to graduate. I need to read
and write and

figure
out
my
liiiiiiiiiife(!) halloween
thisweek.

<3

When you're married

you're married. And you can have babies and shit. I am, currently, watching About Schmidt. This reminds me of something; but, oh anger. "...cocky bastard..." I know his wife is going to die. Everyone maybe thinks they will be important. Or are. I keep thinking things are moving or that someone could be in this motherfucking house and these are some reasons why I don't want to be alone. "She has a position of some responsibility...recently she got engaged..." Oh come the fuck on. Is what I say. Is what I say to you.

This

is what my new hair cut is based on.

You don't know what you love

but I know.

Everything about you
is bruised and

honey. Everything
you point with

points
toes. Points

to us. We were standing
on the side of some

mountain, somewhere,
and you said, in all

seriousness a manner
like yours composes;

has it ever been eyes? Is
anyone really

out there?
And up.

I just don't know what to think

about vibrators.

Today

I made the best vegan pancakes EVER and decided to clean with relatively environmentally safe products.
So then walked to Russ's with my laundry bag and purchased. Walked back and began scouring with baking-soda-white-vinegar and dipping things in bleach.
The plunger didn't seem to unclog the tub drain. Fuck.
The tub is my last obstacle.

God this apartment is creepy when you look at it closely. There was all this black slime in the sink and the toilet and rust in the sink catch. Latex gloves were my wisest purchase.
It's a moldy slimy rusty existence.

Baby I need your lovin

got

to have aall
yooou
r loov
in

It's not

that I don't think there is truth;

I just think it's difficult to separate
oneself from societal and personal prejudices.
To see things through a clear lens. To see
things in general. The language is problematic;
for instance words like good or bad. It's like we make up
the categories and then force-fit everything in to these
(according to what categories exist, to what we deem normal/good/real).

God. Bricks. Tobacco. Liar. Journalism. Sushi.
Things
are. But ideas mix in
and words become more important
than what is real.

Man. I need to sell a Barbie Dream House (Copyright).

Hey Mountain Goats

!!!
Who's going?
PS to kyle: sorry for drunk-commenting on your blog last night.

Remember

not to say things especially
not to type things

I kill flies here
and my boss

called I guess I'm supposed to call
all the other stores unless

they call me
say *open!*

oops. I didn't know. No one
ever told me that, specifically.
And I avoid doing things
he had called me to check
around 7 the past few weeks
this time 8:30 sounded angry
oops.

I will not be getting any drunker tonight

I just have to take up wherever we left off
you were a really good kisser

I wish I would have walked with you
to the sunken gardens that night
I wish I would have stayed awhile

Now I just bite off finger bits
and think of all the people all the boys
and the games of spin the bottle
I only played once kissed
another girl's boyfriend

I think that's a sort of a fetish of mine
just something that's fun
to kiss
someone who belongs to someone not you

I belong to you and you belong as well
how do we take it where
is your car with you
following

My grandma was crying and I felt

My grandpa never hugs unless I go to him

What is this notion of babysitting and it's gendered existence
I love so much sometimes
when running
and when you're

I lifted up

my purple pitcher and the lid had a chunk broken off. And then there were three separate pieces missing from the ridge the lid fits into, just sitting inside of the pitcher.

What the fuck happened here.

I can't talk to poets.

They're just so ______.

What has power

over you? This is like a conversation with the wall. Her
bangs
mistake us for
fundamentalists

you think you know what it all means
in that you don't know you
accept that

acceptance. what are the stages of grief
or of mourning? a black dress
the lily smell
sandwiches
and so on and on

I did roast the chicken and it was
almost completely cooked (wrong side down)
not that ( ) has anything to do with the almost

not necessarily

I just want your holding of me to continue.

Sometimes words

can sound so good. But then
often there is a discounting of someone
a leaving out of facts. What is real
and true. How do we differentiate
between the good feel and
the real. As in the movie Elizabeth
the Cate Blanchett one
that I watched, liking, and thought
I could really emulate this
this is how I could act and be
a woman and strong and respected
not strident.

Then the movie wasn't like her life
the movie isn't her I listened
to Professor Levin and was so sad
because I'd trusted a depiction
as a way to formulate my life
but it's too weak too much
weakness

All you need to know

about that town hall thing last night
(besides the fact that John McCain is part reptile)

I want

this

Ah ha ha ha

it's...






(an april fools joke)

Read it (see page 8 re: cunt comment)

"I'm sure John McCain loves his country," says Richard Clarke, the former counterterrorism czar under Bush. "But loving your country and lying to the American people are apparently not inconsistent in his view."

It's a learning experience

I don't know that just keeps
coming

Feel: somewhat guilty/bad

Project: done

Parents: maybe maybe not pleased with me

do these things matter

the debate last night was engaging
and a delight to watch because
joe biden kicked sarah palin's ass

but palin's fucking folksy talk/winking/blatant
reversals of truth
did grate

Buy me a sassy retro

apron!

From Planned Parenthood's Website:

"The risk of death from childbirth is 11 times greater than the risk of death from an abortion procedure during the first 20 weeks of pregnancy."

So, who's life are you for Sarah Palin? You would "counsel life" for a 15 year old pregnant through rape by her father...counsel for which life?

I'm consistently frustrated with how much influence a little speck of a fetus can have over people. And I know this is just hypothetical (the question asked); but if you're going to offend me I wish you would at least defend yourself with more than sputtering, meaningless rhetoric. You disgust me.

It's

Planned

Happy October!

do you ever have those nights
when you mix a little 'grape koolaid jammer'
with the remnants of blue raspberry mad dog and then
a few glasses of franzia
sounds good? It's quite fun squirting out
those koolaid jammers. And I feel a lot better today
in that
I feel good
and I think talking to people and pushing past initial
indignation (?) is a good plan.

I was hanging up clothes while talking to you last night and my bed was clear by the time we hung up.
I'm excited for the vice-presidential debate!

No no no no no no no

no no I can't
take it can't take
it can't take it no

and I don't know what's going to happen
and what I simply think is going to happen
(because of the wine)

I need to get through something here
I'm in a desperation
need
It's not the cold air yet
It's not the plastic way of who
again. Maybe just the absence
of smoke

transportation...? Shit.

Not

about me

Are you heavy or healthy?

Because those are the only two alternatives (sarcastically).
I can't work Saturday, okay? I can't deal with you being mad at me
until I did and it's taken care of.

On a side note, I can't see past your constant frowning and the lines lines lines lines.
I was looking at pictures last night and I saw this album called "cutter" where I'd taken pictures of that and it was weird because I never did much damage till that one time I was drunk and God I hate the Emergency Room. I hate the emergency room and how do we never realize how we can affect other people? It's a tight fit being in the world all together. It's a strange thing, all the changing and how I'm pulling away and still stuck and I want to go back there sometimes. I've got gum on my arms. I can't return. Need to self-direct or something.

Caribou Barbie

Ha ha

Fun

new toys

You are dangerous to your health: the ideology and politics of victim blaming

Mainly

don't want
to feel something
and the door

slams
shut from
wind.

This is real this is
not some
comparative

purpose. This
door.

What could
his chest
hair do---annoyance
with every

thing
and the other

one riding his
bike, turning
round

in the cross section
street. Hello
with face. Hello
to the pavement

you're paving.

Blogging to get rid of past blogs

when you put
something else
in your mouth to make
the taste
of something else
dissipate/pear.

Cafe au lait
cafe au lait
cafe au lait.

Where is
my syllabus
when I am needing
her
the most?

That show the pit of dancing crushing sweating
was a really good time. UuVvWwZ. Mad
fucked-up and texting fuck
too much
always in that
state of fumbled
fingers

Shit I have a lot to do. Write these papers for me.

From oral to aural

I get so frustrated with all the people who think it's their right to be an asshole. There are so many people who don't get that right, and then you just go around complaining and talking out of your asses. This is an anally fixated post. This is how we allege humanity. I don't make sense
like you do

Oh Jesus

I didn't feel like this was my internet.
I am drinking. Drunk. Sarah I saw you.
At Bourdain. God Bless America
I haaaaaaaaaaave toooooo peeeeeeeeeeee (this is an excerpt from Colbert report)

MOTHERFUCKING PERIOD I DON'T WANT TO WORK TOMORROW OR MEET ANYONE.

I love you

and I don't know what love is
or what anything is, really. Except for how onions taste when you've brushed.
How your mouth tasted right after that bread and the gnocchi. The sorts of alcohol
I like. You you you and your face hairs.
Other you and your stories.
Other other you and the berry beers.
All of this group in my head right now.

There's so much more panhandling downtown lately.
Everything I try to make beautiful. Or speak of only the broadest conclusions and smallest overlookings.

Tuesday August 17th 2004

So Kevin hasn't called. I left one message last mon. saying "hey it's Rachael gimme a call." then another the next day saying "hey it's rachael gimme a call if you still wanna do lunch" then last wed I called at a quarter to 7 and he answered and said "hey I'm at work" so I said "oh, bye" and hung up. Then I left a message the next day (I think) that said something like "hey it's rachael I know I've been calling like everyday and I'm sorry but I wanna talk to u and I need to ask your advice on something and I miss you and I'm just really confused I'm always confused bye." Yeah. no call. Bastard. I started guitar lessons sunday tho (as he suggested, at Russo's) so now I really want to tell him about that.

Just procured my ticket

to The Mountain Goats

Kyle

A platitude is a trite, meaningless, biased or prosaic statement that is presented as if it were significant and original. The word derives from plat, the French word for "flat". Whether any given statement is considered to have meaning or not is highly subjective, so platitude is often — but not always — used as a pejorative term to describe seemingly profound statements that a certain person views as unoriginal or shallow.

The statements most commonly described as "platitudes" are short proverbs and aphorisms which are intended to motivate or encourage another person, but which are in reality overly-simplistic or cliché; for example, "You will succeed if you try hard enough", a statement which ignores the simple fact that it is entirely possible to fail in spite of one's best efforts. Some people dismiss such statements entirely, arguing that since the statement does not properly represent reality, any motivation or other emotion felt as a result of it must also be illusory; others argue that the omitted facts of reality are ones that are not useful to consider—knowing that you may fail for reasons beyond your control does not make it less likely—so such statements may be valuable as a rhetorical tool, even if not technically correct.

Another common platitude is the conversational lubricant "How are you?", usually a rhetorical question, and its attendant responses, such as "I'm fine; how are you?" This exchange, occurring most often between strangers or in professional settings, is so ubiquitous in English-speaking social discourse that it has almost completely discarded its literal meaning or intention.

Republicans want teens to get pregnant - especially by men using Viagra.

"In Senate votes, McCain has opposed some proposals to pay for teen-pregnancy prevention programs. In 2006, McCain joined fellow Republicans in voting against a Senate Democratic proposal to send $100 million to communities for teen-pregnancy prevention programs that would have included sex education about contraceptives.

In 2005, McCain opposed a Senate Democratic proposal that would have spent tens of millions of dollars to pay for pregnancy prevention programs other than abstinence-only education, including education on emergency contraception such as the morning-after pill. The bill also would have required insurance companies that cover Viagra to also pay for prescription contraception."

Oh high school diary

oooooh diary, sooooo much I have to tell ya! I have 2 bikinis that I feel good wearing in public. I've called AJ a couple x and tried to set something' up w/him (socialness>wking on it:) Also, sooo over M. Turns out L had a similar experience w/her 1st real BF so I think it's common. Wking @ the office (10 bucks an hour).
Talked to A (lawn boy) 2day @our house :) DQ guy talked to me and L. Saw G's older bro shirtless and talked to him and N. Went to 311 concert. Know what pot smells like. Got highlights. Like my hair curly. Better buds with L and G esp. Getting over K.
And...theres' a new main man in my life:)
K, here's the story: Pretty sure M had a friend harassing me online (worldman117) So @ L's one nite I had her try to talk to the kid. He got rude/'warned' her so she sicked some Mt. M. boys on him.
They got him to leave me the fuck alone, so I got their SN's and we all started talking. I really had a connection w/T and we decided to meet up @ 311. Turns out I gave him the wrong cell #! So I went to Genny's that nite and IM'd him and we sorted the mess out and decided to meet @ Borders.
Had a wonderful time/great connection so I brought him home to meet Mom and she luvs him <3 :) So we've chatted since then.
Sun nite, good. Mon nite, weird and depressing. Today, good again. Set up to watch a movie @ my house, but he got in an accident!!! Dammit. Glad he's okay. IDK how to feel exactly about him - Sat nite I was thinking he was awesome, now he seems a hell of a lot more human. We'll see what happens. Hey - as long as I learn something and remain intact.

<3 Rachael

remind me

to never deal drugs, or become involved with the mexican drug cartel.

I looooooooooooooove NY!

i wannna li li li lick you from
your head to your toes---

*crazy head shake motherfuck
fiasco*

this is really a visual experience.

shiznit

no clean part for me this evening for
i will be barista-ing.....ing ing ing ing ing
boom.

Breasts

Paris Brest

So I think I'm working at Bread and Cup (will be soon; if the schedule works out). They love Kenny there.

I feel like college has sort of been this whole process of just getting me sick enough to throw up all over anything. I wonder when this will happen. I feel like my life will sort of be a failure if it doesn't. Like I'll be stuck somewhere. Cat claws on the motherfucking floor.

Oh, projectile vomit.

That's really all there is to say, isn't there?

Ps btw

hey look

Retreat retreat!

retreat.


Hey, but it's okay, because Mad Men is on tonight.
Am I really back to counting my blessings?
Preconceived-notions-speech. These "high fructose corn
syrup is okay" ads concern and disgust me. It's like
those ads with the doctors smoking cigarettes. See?
They're okay. It's okay. We're all gonna be o-kay.

Except what if we're not?

My party personality

just became my, you know, permanent personality

Just wanted a bagel

so I went to the academic grind and reached in to grab myself one, indecision, reached further towards the back, awkwardly grabbing one bagel while touching others with my sleeve. Success. And as I'm pulling the bagel out the girl at the register tells me I can open the next drawer up for easier access.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.

I think I am going to freak out.

Oh wait, I already have. I'm having my quarter life crisis. Guess that means I'll only make it to 84. I hate the health center/my insurance company. They're both conspiring to cost me lots of money. I was only 15 minutes late this morning and the woman tried to say it was 35 and "no such luck, you'll be charged for this and will have to make another appointment." Whatever. It's not like I actually have anyone to blame but myself. Which is also why I have to pay for those x-rays. Because I'm not a good daughter. And I flake out on people. So I can't ask for assistance. And I skipped class yesterday just because I didn't like how I felt at the time. I wish crying in the fetal position actually made me feel better instead of simply making my nose run.

Ah republicans.

how does one deal with the disappointment of a parent
or of anyone? when you feel this intensely as a failing of the capacity
to be something to someone else? i fail like this on occasion.
there's only so much of me.

We make cakes

and sometimes cut into them

I think

it's the whole "tired/sick" thing. Plus school and work and then the keeping piling on of people.
I can't think about it. I just need to do things. I am not yet a failure. Sushi. Relax.

i wish i could just

buy things all the time and that my dreams weren't so -
what they are -
i am sad and lonely
even or especially in the presence of others.

motherfucking shit

i missed the farmer's market again and i can't tell the difference between drunk or dream and the distance helps so much (more each day) it's like getting away from the ocean after being sucked under there's only so far inland you can go before you start getting close to the water again

salt water

sea weed

let's go to the ocean and soak in the toxins together.

am sort of existing

while lifetime movie network plays this movie
i thought she was talking to her brother and there was so much crying
"you tore up the apartment and stopped taking your meds"
"i don't know why it happened. i didn't mean to" they start kissing
and so i don't think they're siblings.

there was this romance novel i was reading and this woman had inherited a home and things from her deceased cousin or aunt or some relative who shared her surname. then the son of this person came into town (had been banished off with his father, what a love child). his plan? to offer marriage to the woman and/or simply take the house by force. and then they fall in love. and i was just thinking...aren't they related? ummmm

sometimes

i feel like my life is a series of endurance tests.

Aw shit

my initial impression is that mccain made a pretty foxy move by choosing a woman vp.

of course, she's an example of how all women do not serve my needs as a woman by virtue of being a woman. and why ideology is more important than gender/race/arbitrary means of classification.
still, if we were playing chess, good move.

Three is a strange dynamic

and the door chain and lists and the siding and I never want to again
not even with you
maybe neighbor

such suddenness, such dotting

decisions to be made
time kept
the phone the wind in
the phone the cars
passing

i am not to be held accountable i am not ))

i wish i had a wife and she was pregnant

What I forget

that there's something else behind dissatisfaction
in that I don't give up on everything but only
the portions and then do something about it even

it's better than a line of blood on skin
can you believe? can you conquer? sometimes
i wonder about these mechanisms and then
simple physical activity makes my thoughts align

does something
gets rid of that silent screaming
that pin prick that
maybe you know
to what i refer

buying the books made me better.
as well
i want i want i want
and i love you love you/hope you get that
you beautiful something
you person. the protest is unimportant

isn't life a constant cycle of absence and abundance? a cycle of something-s
for sure. shurefine. good name. good fake names good words.

i have some ways i operate.

Giving up

on the bookstore/USPS. I surrender. I'm headed there myself to pick books like berries. They best all be there. I'd like to dedicate this to whoever made words like areola/clitorus/perineum. I can't pronounce them, but I like to try. I don't think school is teaching me things. I feel like this schedule is my dumbest yet, with few exceptions. It's just that the English classes feel more and more watered down and I don't think I've chosen very well in my life plan. I don't know definitions. Communicating is like using a coffee filter to strain the liquid from yogurt. College was always more a middle-ground for me than any specific catalyst to a life and money. The next step. A place to figure out my life. And now my life is here/coming and I have ideas but the time is sort of ending. Someone should have warned me money's all that matters. Oh matter.

Hey Santa

I sort of want these.
And these.

Would you like to purchase a cake from me? We can trade for the boots and the pants above-mentioned.

This is pretty accurate

though not very pornographic at all.

What's your orgasm record in a day?
(24 hour period we'll define it as)
Anyone?

Japes. I like that.

chair delivery

oh this delicious
the clouds the clOUDSSs listening
to WHY
my hairs are leggy. right? right.

where has my camera gone off to?

I can't write a thing without crying anymore

without sobbing from the depths of my brain or my something
to make up for feeling things and not the right things. THE RIGHT ONE IS RIGHT FOR YOU. I can't get rid of machine parts. These are the things that belong somewhere (and the emphasis is such on belong) they belooong. Unlike a hair, shed. A bitten off nail. Some toothpick. Machine parts are not trash they are someone's lost implement that will be reattached. I will be reattached in my next planned out something. I will attach and reattach myself and eventually learn asexual reproduction. Become anemone or starfish. If only you could always stroke me I'd grow.

So

this is actually a real coffee house. Why the fuck is it so fucking far away? I didn't keep enough of an eye out for bike paths. May I have a sandwich for dinner? (Do I want one?)

Oh banality. I fucking want a fucking shower.

Ridiculous.

Ridiculous! These posts are. Come to Brckck on Saturday. After optional potluck/obligatory drinking. I look forward to both and to all. I look forward to no longer hearing like a robot (?)
I want to see you all of you all of you
all of you!

Did anyone ever go

to the Fontanelle Forest nature center/children's center
with the nest? And giant stuffed snakes and things?
It's not there anymore, in the same way/place--with the same things.

I want to be there right now
in that nest, pretending to hatch
pillow eggs.

Starlite Lounge around 5:15 today for interested parties.

Coffee

is important to my happiness.

I spend a lot

of time at work compulsively biting the skin of my fingers
off. It's a vicious boredom-bred desperation. But boredom
isn't it. It's the not wanting. And not being able to. The frustrating
nature of all of this tediousness and the annoying whine this place is to me. I don't know
what I would want to do but not this. Going running with Cassie
tonight, if all goes as planned. Needing to unpack my room. Needing
to remember to shut the door to my bedroom.

This morning when I got home the chain was hooked so I could unlock
but not enter the apartment. Annoying. I considered trying to slam it off
but instead just called Katie and then ate an egg to calm myself. Those chains
they really do fuck up getting into a place.

Motherfuckers.

What's the deal with writing on shirts? I used to have a t-shirt that said "rated G for gorgeous!" Oh man, those were the days
that I'm embarrassed of. Why not "rated R for rapacious!" you may ask. Or "rated C for cunt!" Or "rated B for this is written on my BOOBS!" Or "rated D for Dike!" "rated F for fuckmyface!" God I've gone onto a whole 'nother rating system while trying to sort this item that really doesn't need sorting. But any thoughts on slogan shirts? Tell your boyfriend thanks? You looked better on Myspace?

Is it an obsession with generically collective witticisms? Is that the fixation? Your Mom. Don't ever text that to someone unless you are prepared for said mom to be DEAD> better, don't text at all, especially when drunk or sleeping or sitting next to bankenbrand.

Some Thoughts

I want: a Solar Cooker, to watch Arrested Development (a lot in a row), more Hawaiian Hazelnut coffee. Fun was last night last night was fun. You're an ampersand. Why? reminds me of The Dismemberment Plan for some reason. Becky had a pretty bird around her neck, my clothes were finally bright enough and break brake.
Anthony emailed me back (!) Some man thinks I am a publishing house (?)
Let's dance. UUVVWWZ TONIGHT./all day. I work all weekend I pack all weekend...

WANTED:
men to help me move on Monday.
I will give you food and/or alcohol in exchange for your manual labor.
I need people in the evening especially. Sign up here:

My knee

it's still
numb and swollen
sometimes.

so i'm going to the health center tomorrow.
again.

ps. the laurus baby arrived today - named mac.

I know

when is the last time I've been this ____? Monk. Bodega's and Duffy's. Shit son. Why do I always fall to these things and these places? I am disappointed/a disappointment. I just want us to ___ each other or eat each other or to hide inside you somewhere, curled up and inconsequential. I just want to be already moved and reading books. Don't cry anymore, woman on the television. I hide behind my lines so why won't you?

shit shit shit

I can't go to work anymore I just can't
go to work anymore I can't go to work
anymore I just don't want to.

smiley face and google-y eyes on plants and campari

Apparently

you're pregnant. Well that sucks.

Dear bicycle, dear fox in the road:

Camping is a better way
to bachelorette it, I
think. The less I get topless the better.
The ranger came and put Jess in cuffs,
but only at our request. Earlier, we picked
two guys at Dave and Busters and had them
compete for who would make the prettiest baby
with Jess (in the photo booth). We shot each other
with water guns. We took free shots and ate free mounds
of cotton candy.

I'm sorry I'm obsessed with all
your parts. I'm sorry I'm not more creative lately.

I brood or I have a brood

It's a gorgeous morning. The clouds:
it's not my words you want, but taste
them - you'll see. It's an absolutely
gorgeous morning. And I am glad to be
alive with a bike and carrying cupcakes.

Had a near miss with a squirrel - I swear
I think it shrieked as my tire whizzed by
its head.

Blood

blood blood
in dreams and on knees and from elbows.
You have a triangle on your abdomen
hanging from your pants.
Triangles jab or rip when we want them:
when they want us to split seems
to trick her to hurt
her. I've split seams and read
what I shouldn't have known
was occurring. Now hurt in the jaw
or the gut. Burst bubble
in the throat - gouged
butterflies and road dust on the road.



don't draw a life lesson from this
and risk

things may be getting out of control

or i am realizing the inherent futility in attempting to maintain control and/or composure. consistent embarrassment and not realizing or remembering or being awake (for his 1130 call?)? what is this? when did this happen? when was this message left? at least i know your voice. at least that recognition. i've been too busy. or preoccupied with figuring out how to style my hair/whether or not my cat eyes my winged out liner is even (more important than you'll ever know). or drunk/hungover/unhappy/trying not to bother you. i try not to bother you a lot. it's one of my major driving forces. and yes, i use both the collective and the specific 'you' in this sense. god i can't write right now or never have been able to
there are moments
but there's so much work to do with not that much time to be smart or the perfectly clever red wine drinker i'd want to be. i don't even know who i'd want to be or what i'm being now.
this, here, another period of fuckinggoddamn transition. why wasn't i born a robot? why can't women just be seen and not heard? or children or maybe that's the problem all the or's and all my labeling/my lack of kayacking. it's true. and i'll start to spell things different ways before you stop me.
pow pow pow pow pow
my magic pony
my kum quat

abc

defg
hij
k
lmno
p
qrs
tuuuuv
wxyyyyyy
z

last night

was the latest night i've had in awhile,
at least as far as staying out at activities in omaha
and then driving back to lincoln without tail lights goes.

ssstop.

I don't know how to be ____ I don't know how to be ____ I don't know _________________. Oh fuck. This wine does taste a little like _____
bananas

Eriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccc
stop leaving and not talking to me.
it makes me sad.
i don't understand how to behave at parties i don't
understand
how to behave how to
where are you and what of my emails? (email). ridiculous. pointless.
everyone smoking and me not but me out there with everyone smoking.

i can taste it on your tongue.

paula dean (????) <
fuck baby.
fucking stop making me feel
as if to cry as if to not
attempt. i miss it -
all the hangings out.

i miss the things i used to think mattered, or the thinking that mattered.

if i can grow my nails long, how much longer till i poem it?

and again.
fuck baby...

blahg

I know where Oklahoma goes upon hearing from Canadia. The brooms align, won't brush away leaves or the branches.
Everything you think is creative, in actuality indicates a mental defect. A way to think of things that spreads. Your hands are clenching and pounding fists with the other ones. The kids want you to sign theirs, and breasts go out of fashion. There is an entire chicken in my freezer. Romance novels and masturbation? Jakarta and bombs. Romance novels with bombs? Military romance. I'm so tired of feeling you without feeling you without remembering. Dear God I don't believe in, I might believe in something more like ghosts but what does that matter? My grandmother's wishing me to hell without realizing, none of this exists. There's what you feel and what is real. There are trees that break when you climb them or wind them. There are winds that break trees and everything is real. There's you at my back with your arms and that sensation of being bug or turtle or love.

$8 wine that resembled and dripped like a bouquet. Becky's blog on a large computer and pancakes and dropped on the floor. Not talking if at all possible. Love and love and love and lobe. Ears ringing and naked.

clock.matter.bone.

your baby's
photograph.

oh becky,

i crave erasure or more
self-direction and i think
of you

I think pizza

is my favorite food. Not lame pizza, like Totinos or even Red Baron; but really good pizza, with veggies and red sauce and a tasty crust. Those crusts they sell at the farmer's market are pretty delicious (kudos to Le Quartier). I can make a pretty tasty pizza with those crusts. I also give kudos to Suite One - although they delivered our pizza to the wrong table, this enabled us to be given a free and delicious deep-dish pizza. Yia Yia's is also a classic, with their beers from around the world and a wide variety of topping selections. Feta is delicious on pizza.

My two favorite pizza destinations in Omaha are La Casa and Don Carmelos. While differing crustally, both share a quality of ingredients that make my tummy happy.

I am a dork. Farewell and eat pizzas. Yes, multiple.

oh, falling

you're better

*cough*

There was this bar where wal-mart is (actually inside) and I was blending things, blending watermelon margaritas and salting the tops. - I can see where all the aspects come from the day and everything I learn just makes the others seem less real. I can't become a spectator. I'm steeped in emotion and even by realizing the relative randomness of life
I can't separate. - anyway I had taken my shirt off, but found it and my purse had not been stolen and this child was shopping for cheese with his mother and staring at me. I put my shirt on, smiled drunkenly, walked home in my heels.






hush hush
I really love you
I don't even know
how to say that correctly
(I hope you can make sense of me).
I over complicate because I'm unsure
of what I'm saying (of what you get
from what I'm saying).
All nervousness aside: YOU
delight me in multiple ways.

blog humbug.

i want i want i want i just want
money honey
i want want
want
want want
want

want
wax wane moon crescent
scrumtrul
-escent. fluorescent won
me the pennant
or the spelling bee the
spewing fly the when
will you accept this embroidery
i've threaded to spell
out my compliments?

oh grandma,
why did you teach me
uselessness? i broke that spaghetti
in cold water pans with some spice
and never felt like a great
pretender.

Every day

My nails, they're
sort of long
-ish.

Let's see
if they last through
the day. I have

strange desires,
consequent
-ly dreams
disturb my sleep
and wake.

Every
time I turn,
see you, some
sensation

of new
that you've burrowed
in me. I'm

hedgehog-floating

on my back and it's
burning it burns
and I bleed.

Justin showed me this

I just pulled a bug from my neck

Hello

nice to make your
assertion. Mix yeast

water, flour
with the sweet

electricity, machine
parts. Machinate
the dough until

it turns upon
itself - folding
and falling.

Series-osity

The weight of walls
falling and wheels
spun in mud flipping
upwards, convince.

Convince and can’t keep
separation of parts
from objects.

At a certain rate, gravity
makes a mass to fall. To
somewhere but here-now,
that fall corrects

the relative wrong of ground
-object separation.

I want a hedgehog

I drink it up

I can't eat this can't
breathe back come
back or keep.

I can't I can't I can't

I could but I can't

It's not about

being woman or man or something else. Why the fuck
would you vote for McCain
because your woman didn't win
the nomination? I don't get it. I'm not looking
close enough. I don't get it. I just don't understand
often
how people can say the things they say
and I get caught up in it
and I fucking miss you
and I'm trying not to think trying trying to be interesting/interested/friendly and helpful to customers/worthy of tips/on time/befriended/be friends. Your voice breaks. Stop jeering. Stop booing. Everyone stop talking. I'm ranting this
isn't making sense altogether I can't
I can't manage these long days this thinking
not thinking hard enough well enough

I am not happy without you.

identification of mislabeled emotion, or disabling condition

you are scaring me, you
scare me off, you scare
me. you are scaring
me, you scare me, you are
scary things and scaring
me, you scare me there; i scare

myself or scar or can't
complete the action of
the thought.

she's on the news now
her hair screams but
more strings and
i pluck it out i pluck it
like a banjo string

you sweep your hair
off to the side, he does,
but her voice is so serious
so obviously trying to be both

the office and the officiator.

watched

cnn last night after getting back, saw "remembering tim russert;" but he was talking to larry king so he couldn't be dead. fuel charges affecting schools: they buy fewer library books and i ride to my workings. kyle, you were in my dream last night. i was going to make you a coffee "i don't like coffee"
"yeah, i know"
"make me a mocha"
which is ridiculous because you don't like chocolate either, right?
my hand itches.

D:

i don't like it when you're gone. i mean, i deal with it, sure, and i'm fine...but i am not a happy camper.
plus i've shorn my hair and it's a weird reality being without the both of you.

oh the glory, oh the beautiful beautiful glory

god damnit.

I washed my dry clean only pants and now
they hang oddly with the liner longer than the pant part.
And my Eric is gyros away. This -
this is ridiculousnosity. I am missing him when I think too much about it.
But I'm heading to OOMaha, and I watched Dead Man
with Justin and Carlin last night - Criiiiispin!! -

Sincerely,
RacheliseWulfgang

some women

can pull off "shaved head"
others...
not so much

i wonder which category i would fall into...

I like biting

the skin on my fingers
but i don't like that i do it.

it's addiction. like sucking
a thumb. or drugs or sex

or salt.


it is what it is what it is what it is what it
is it?

I am tired

fucking tired too tired to come up with anything important to say = nothing important and said is come up with
just is and is then on a page/in the air
not sure
speech was and could be considered superior to writing. because you say what you mean
at the time
unless you're afraid like you are
or something unless you don't know
it's the thinking that ruins you

i cried when you left a little
it was early
and i've loved you more than 300 days.

I may be high

on caffeine right now but it's better * I love

Rae Armantrout * her book
the physics of it all*

I love her Rae Armantrout
I love her Rae Armantrout

I'm sort of bored, been thrown off to the office with Steve/without everyone else. What is that called? Banishment?

Eric, I'm sorry. I don't have the money to buy replacement razor blades right now;
although I do have two disposables left.

happy june btw
my phone keeps buzzing and it keeps making me think
someone's calling me

daily show is crazy tonight
...i'm thinking about that last statement...

Listening

to music is something I haven't done for awhile. Finally today I had a little time that felt good. In that I wasn't busy in that I got home sweaty and tired in that I felt like I had figured out a bit of my life (of my finances). Now it's slipping. I slip a lot and I trip and I don't like to move around you. I've realized a lot of what I do is highly shaped by fear (of harm/hurt/embarrassment: imperfection)
I either avoid doing anything to incur these, or completely disregard the possibility *mistaking a disregard for an actual lack of concern* No
still
there still
happens. I'll really be okay though. It's just difficult ever since I fucked up so badly

metal has appeal in theory only
upon serious contemplation - sour

For instance right now - I'm liking the idea of biking
but not of the destination. People. My brain's not working
I am not my mother
or I am my mother's daughter
which I've never been sure about (the meaning)

Oh John McCain, raise the roof with your arthritic arms.
I dislike you for non-cosmetic reasons or sometimes I question to value of disliking anyone/thing because I sort of get it all - or get that it all could be me and you...and then the thought: does this fact mean what I think it means or just that one may/should/could/will give up on people they think are on their side if one shifts, if one shifts?:? I do not give up not really. Do you? What do you do to keep yourself contained and still touch me?

Rust on the counter. Corroded bike cables
replaced. Oh my god why can't you
lick my lips for me?

arrived at job interview

only to find out job interview had been forgotten/not written down by interviewer. slightly awkward phone conversation ensued, during which i was instructed to go to another location this afternoon. went off bicycling and saw the man who fixed my bike/got whistled at (not by the man who fixed my bike).

It's you

It's you it's you it's you it's you
I don't know if you know what this
is to me what this means. I mean
to ride my bike tomorrow. Please
don't be confused. I mean what
I mean which is: it's you. And.
I will ride my bike tomorrow. And
I love.

work = blah

hey, why don't you murder me some flowers? i don't know it just strikes me as money. hooray bleeding. hooray body and all the senses of that. hooray i shouldn't be doing this ri

forgot

to tell you. man at bike store complimented my shoes.
my bike is fixed and ready to be rusted again. free
lube jobs (don't tell everyone). be selective. mmmm
oh mm. little bit of boredom never hurt anyone where
is the coffee. gertrude stein gertrude stein gertrude stein
rhubarb is susan. puket fish. garam masala purchased
with beer after pants after walking in rain without
an umbrella to umbrella. sadness. need coffee. want.

mmmmmiss or something some absence some over presence
of lackluster of interaction
lackluster of
little to none and of wine.

but mainly missing
the center
(to be centered is to feel
like an actual person why
does that always get taken
from me why
do i give it up where is it)

and what do i want to be when i grow up

so the bro's on vacation (from school). don't know why he couldn't have taken care of the dog, at least for the night. i think my mom wanted me to come up thursday a. because she wanted help packing, and b. she thinks my dad and her might die and wanted to tell me in person where the will is. is this where i get my constant concern about dying? maybe that's why i was always praying they wouldn't die when i was a kid and still praying; maybe she told me about her mom and i thought it would happen to everyone (it will eventually).

i forgot to give the parking pass to cari in my hurry to get out of the office.
i forgot to take that food. again. damnit, maybe i can get in the office when i go back to lincoln TODAYYY.

shit, son. i don't know what to tell you, i think you left the maps behind. i dreamed of a bicycling belly dancer last night and people with saws sawed in half in the mall. a woman walking into my bathroom stall and then getting angry. dreams are strange. you were being strange in my dreams last night. i have to separate myself from that, from the melancholy colors, from their loud mad voices at 4 in the morning.

i want to purchase high-waisted pants because i think they will match a tanktop i've never worn
yet.

I Like Wine.

a handy list of great wine importers

http://www.slate.com/id/2191400/

There Will Be...Pokemon?

Squirtle used to be my favorite. Squirtle and Psyduck. "Psyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Oh that shrinking sinking sliding under bookshelves frame of mind.

Here it comes again
here it is. I work in cycles. The shower meant me being more socially awkward than I have been in quite some time. Not collected enough? Too much drink, not good sleep? Getting hit on the back repeatedly the night before and then reminiscing about taped tongues? Taped mouths. Oh, the glory of it all. It's not glorious. I felt small
in the scheme of things in the sense of non importance, of breathing being a privilege I didn't deserve. I felt flat, sort of 2D, corrugated like cardboard and ripped open to expose the lines. Today things think
beautiful powerful wet. I'm in pieces, piecing, sort of still
the earrings through the lips each side
then programmed for "ear." I love you. I feel like I have something to reach for
inside myself. Like I'm not just sitting on that couch hoping
to sink. Oh love of words. Oh the beautiful nature of loan consolidation.
How much debt do you draw? How many times will I be able to say this?

This is not

scoop and tuck

I don't know about faces

and chase. I drank far too much coffee too late in the day
now I'm tired but I can't sleep and I don't like the Sarah McLachlan
that makes me think of. Good God. God God. I miss you I just do
and I'll see you soon enough I guess
*smile*

it rains and it winds and I think about your facial hair

Yessssss

I understand and I wish to continue

but it keeps telling me I am as a virus
or some such

madding. (FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD
in high school. "the slang for a part is a whole"
Thomas Hardy is hardy is ready to party) Bowl.

La la la

I hope someone gets a pie in the face...

Miss Teen USA 2007 South Carolina Responds on Today show

oh god.

""

should i shave my ____ ?
do you shave your ____ ?
how do you do it?

how hangover

where my love
where the sense of
incessant embrace
a brasserie

ubiquity's the new in-joke

i don't think
i understand
your tree language

in the dream
a poem related
to by anyone

-the pronouns open
fantastical imaginatory
play place

i want to eat your brains, i don't want to eat anything
taste anyone
right now

oh god

last night i wanted
closeness closeness
just that sense of love
and let's be friends

now i want sleep i want to slip
somewhere separate

which will come to pass as well

I think we should go sailing

I have this desire to take shots
get wasted and it's fucking 4 in the morning.
Really it was just that sense of accomplishment
following any paper of greater length than average.
It's really nothing to be proud of. Not as good
as the post-feminist critique of rae armantrout poems.
Bitchiiiiiiiin'''

Galleries tomorrow (Today!)

I'm at school

I'm like a kid. There were kids by the fountain
some in it and it's always this staring at
when kids come to the union. No goats. Just

kids and their parents and always until recently
I didn't know how to read things. My mind always
deconstructing what I now know has always

already been in a state of deconstruction. And our society
is a collective consciousness denial. We want
the black and red divisions of clean and dangerous

but it's not that simple - it's simpler. Until we
complicate. Things are. Then we make words
to represent. It is this that lies come from.

It is because no one can ever really know exactly
what another one is sensing without sensing
through their separate body. It is kids. And goats.

And music making our ears drip lace.

clothes from the goodwill

will you ever understand me? /All together now:

your love is like a cyclone in a swamp
and the weather's getting warmer

don't go over or under as long as you're here.

you can't trust these motherfuckers. eat
cans of pineapple and avoid the bridges.

Curried Ginger Butternut Squash Soup

1 small onion, chopped
1 tbsp oil
1 garlic clove, minced
2 inches fresh ginger, grated
1/2 tsp. garam masala (or mix of 1/2 tsp each cumin and black pepper, and 1/8 tsp each cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, and clove)
1/4 tsp. curry powder
1 medium potato, chopped
2 cups butternut squash, peeled and cubed (or one baked butternut squash, flesh scooped out)
2 cups vegetable stock
salt to taste

In a medium soup pot on medium heat, saute the onions in oil till translucent. Add the garlic, ginger, garam masala, and curry powder; saute for 2 minutes, stirring often to avoid sticking. Add the potatoes, squash, and stock. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat. Simmer for 15-25 minutes or until vegetables are tender. With a hand blender or food processor, blend half or all of the soup until smooth (be careful when blending hot liquids and slowly increase blending speed). Return to pot, reheat, and serve.

love-ly

Wolf Blitzer mentioning just having put up one of his daily blog posts
makes me think of my grandma bragging about her daily b.m.

No, really.

i think it's because i can't stop thinking about you

i don't

that thought of

i should have written a blog
instead of emailing.

broadcast my thoughts to everyone
who does or doesn't will or won't

read this. the breeze picks up and i
am not reading that book i

proofread (past tense) laurus again and found
more issues. i find read and all its forms

to be troublesome. rattling keys outside
and an accidental caps lock caught here

and taken. i'm separated by a screen and really
what would the difference be. i can't fight this.

wouldn't like to. i just keep typing and thinking
or something - keep processing all of these

signals signs and indicators. you make me
feel things or i make myself. i let myself

allow you. all these permissions granted
and how i love it how it makes me tense up

ready to flinch ready to back away and pretend
again again. it's hard to be real and to speak

your heart. what's in a heart. and i don't know why
she suggests an obliteration of "this" in a poem.

i love this. i love impreciseness and ambiguity
and the removal of this ... i disagree and i never feel
right (rights).

i feel alive between bouts of head ache and uncertainty.
when the wind gusts.
i want this very much to work.

It's you you you

all telling me things and being and doing
and it threatens me but i'm better because of.


i keep looking at her profile her husband her baby
her face and
i really don't remember what my life.


has been would be.


period or exclamation mark or how
to punctuate how to turn pixels from pixels
to thoughts


my left side is the cut upon


my right eye lost an eyelash
once or twice
every day for 21 years

that's how old i am
this just goes to show
that meeting for pizza
can make your stomach
fizz or creak. i have furniture
in there but no child ( i haven't
eaten humans yet) what's the difference
between puppy baby cow meat?

i don't know. club seals or club sandwiches.
he wrapped an american flag round his head
quit showering and grabbed a computer


i'd grapple with you if i cared more if i cared
in the right sort of way. i'm too centered
in me. i think we all are, but maybe just
because that's who i am and my being of me
leads my belief. i incur debt
never, death
daily.



you are a lawn ornament or you could be
if you'd answer your phone if you'd stop
lying through omission (this goes out also
to me) because



i think you get it. i really think you get it.

Things you think are good until

waking up.

I love you so much I can't say it, can't speak...

I don't know what to tell you except I need to be doing homework. Don't I always. You and your cheekbones, your jawline. There's nothing I'd rather do than stroke it than stroke these. Let's hit up happy hour at The Melting Pot, drink fancy martinis and dip things in cheese.

The ministry that I run...Christ really helped me. Oh did he. I'm glad you got over being a child star. These things that we go through. These places we are. I don't think you'd notice if the dress didn't fit if I sunk in the floor of the hall. Consuming adequate amounts of fiber should be the shared concern we sink in.

Really. I think that I've lived a lot of my life inside. Without friends or which of these have been my friends? I love you so much I can't speak.

you glean what you will from anything and go with it

me. "truth and falsity in an ultramoral sense." the comfort i tried to glean,
thinking nothing meant anything anyway.
what it means now,
we all are fools. why say what you do not mean
intentionally? why sever this connection all the more
between you (visceral) and you (an intellect). i am one
person. all i can do is act and then recount
it. all i do now is wait. and cry. wait to cry and in which way.
i don't think this was all my doing in that i didn't choose
to be born but i can take responsibility for my actions
and wait to see where your brain has taken you.

i'm sad. i think. i miss you. it's difficult for me
to concentrate on other things, but important to try
because i do not know where your brain is taking you - where you
are taking you. i've already been given much more
than i hoped for. from this point anything positive
is extra.

have finished with crying

for now, will proceed to homework and a potential class-skipping tomorrow.

Food crisis

in the rest of the world and salmonella in cereals here. The good
old
U.S.
of A.
You must take shots with the good
hardworking american people with guns then
take shots at him for being elitist. The good
people will not be so good when there's social unrest
because of a lack of food. Turmoil in Egypt. Bread
for three meals and the government
distributing such. Global prices of food increase and I can't think
of what to do with myself. We need population control
or less money-run policy. Does this make sense? Does it make you
sensate? I just know
that I rarely appreciate having been born where
when
who I was
-am. Shave costs. Shrink portions. Maybe Americans will
finally revert to depression era waistlines...just do it. There's a man mowing
outside. I need to get another job.

Fast

bitten off finger bits can *cough*
can *choke*

dark explodes dark as you
changed

provokes sweat provokes more
heart

beats per minute biting
off pieces

of fingers a lot to avoid
drilling holes in

the minutes don't count once
you count

them.

drinking is bad for you

i have a bruise on my back and my knee from falling down while throwing up and e is upset with me.

i think i have a pattern of not recognizing the consequences of my actions or not realizing that my actions can have consequences. i need to address this.

god i need to lighten up.

this is all.

what cannot be mistaken

this continuing sadness that dream of a Chinese husband
cornering me in the covers the clear sky night stars telescope
never use these wonderful things these friends we cannot
number

mistake means wanting what hasn't been there means asking
means take
oatmeal gets cold while dissecting a life my only
time tries to improve but cannot linger so we wait
we want mistakes forgiven as umbrellas umbrella
themselves over tops of the heads of the people
walking in rain
sitting in sun

you make me

sad you make me sad you make me sad you make me sad

let's go to amsterdam or india

i don't think you're seeing clearly

what is clear  - everything

is shaped by our interpretations

and nothing is real because we're 

entrenched in it - so entrenched as to never be able to know it

perception falls prey

I want my check plus plus to mean

I like to see how people see themselves. Perception's such a funny little thing, running around with our minds captive...the TV static clings. I hate when dresses do but I love dresses - I told this to the girl in the bathroom last night.

We mock the serious nature of anti-drug commercials together we get dressed up.

C, why don't you moderate? This won't make sense to you - I don't want it to. I don't want to be the one in class not knowing not learning not being an active participant. And yet I drink or do things other than read/become intelligent. I do things anti-mywant. I do things anti-good; but still think I'm okay because of the A's and because of the banging. Oh, what a word.
Why this constant game of innuendos. Why won't a word be a word.

I want I want I want I want so much but do not do
I do not do
Neither do you
It made me mad, what you said, what the both of you said - making a trio of ignorant angering stupid stupid creatures acting as if they deserve. I do not deserve. We get what we get and that's that (it's not ours for forever - just barely for now).

J and L together
hilarity
clothespins...

Can you not?

I hate the waiting
for bleeding. It seems so
19th century
or biblical even. Shouldn't we, as a civilization,
be past this? I think so. Someone
develop a drug
so I don't have to tell myself
"the fetus would be alcohol-damaged
anyway" (if allowed to grow,
if it ever existed). I think
that if some egg did manage
release from the ovary,
clung to the wall,
and was fertilized - I think
I would,
at first, feel satisfactorily
full, then
freak the fuck out. Be
angry at him. For not having
to deal with it
physically. And this is why
I want to pay for his drinks
and his dinner, bake muffins
and such.

No worrying this time.
I've escaped yet again, my uterus
lining falling - more accurate:
oozing. Gross. Because something or society says so.
I've always really felt real
clean after the pink blood
turns to red and then the pain
in my legs
in the opening
everywhere. Like a soreness after
exercise, an accomplishment
of existence of continued cycling
and this is why I don't see time
as linear
this is why i remember spring memories
in spring
and other seasons other times. This makes
my memories out of line for others
and leads me to tag by scent by light
instead of logic. Maybe this is why I remember
everything you've ever said/why you cannot
relinquish.

oh you are my life

or a part of my life i'm obsessed with the internet with computers i can't stop typing or clicking or trying to find out who's thinking about me talking to me through typing in my general direction...alpha oops...now i have you...if you can catch me. oh blood oh super sonic guns. where the hell do these words come from. his spine is exposed he's still talking. black hair. eye patch. i bought an eye patch the other day.

television poetry it's killing me

the inconsolable self the drinks
don't cause the crying is an end
in itself and the beautiful baby put
your arm around her she'll crouch
down you drink your water
from a glass shaped like a wine
glass

too repetitive (?)

what liquor
store can you go to can you buy
on a sunday no thankyou
no tuna we're italian money
gangsters literally
she's texting me and they watch
some game talking bloodshed
no war now war warning
bloodshed for this man
with a tv tray knows dead men
eats potatoes ExtenZe.








italian the language and men
handing women objects and yelling
at other men the slicked back hair
the mustaches but it's so much more
than that revenge michael anything what
can i do
settle these troubles
i don't understand
but you do you do you do you
probably do and it's just
you don't want to
these people (us, we) they never
want to, unless
let's hit 'em all

the name frankie
various childhood memories
ominous happiness, family heirloom
of a home like my lampshade (no
not that connection) and that phrase
we know (i know) i think you know. keep
your friends close and your enemies
closer. i want him completely relaxed
and confident in our friendship. then
i'll be able to find out
who the traitor in our family
[was]

how does this know? that i am me

that click pop of electronic device and thinking
the phone the phone
must have been on silent
or something as the mute tv
emits small sounds the silent
phone emits click pops but not
this time i think it was
the settling of furniture or the small
separation of matter some minuscule
level invisible audible

I love

that our president can talk about delivering justice in the form of a bomb and then stumble over the word totalitarianism. It really inspires pride and confidence.

song me a tune, something useful

The reason I think he is so unattractive

is his eyes, I think. They’re sort of
droopy. The face a house makes
classically consists of eyes
and mouth all square sort of
jack-o-lantern-like. His tooth

I think you mean. He’s sort of
ugly because of

his teeth. The second thing
I noticed besides the chin strap
besides being real -
that chunk of mud looking

like some god awful pre-historic
monster. An armadillo
or a large hyena, but humpbacked
for sure.