yay for Jessica!

thanks to you for posting these, next time we will read in a less crazy noisy time

dedicated to ben

mmmmmmm

but only because of the cuuuure!

this song
or anything by band of horses sometimes
just cause they play all the time on amanda's pandora stations
question mark

and, so chill. sooo
chiiiill

sometimes i want to grow fur

sometimes all i can do is stretch vowels

i realize we will always be in the red
because i make it that way. force it back.
force you. gently now

i have keys and strings and metal to sew with

there's a tree dropping things on the lawn
you know gravity. it's been nice
knowing you'd never not love me. it's been
nice to express that to you when i meant it.

the fluctuation with us always. the life flux.
do you stretch daily? do you keep the muscles
in your feet well-toned?

i hope you didn't come here looking for poetries

my bike is back :D

1. re: horkin' it up - hasn't in awhile! knock on wood. knock on all wooden objects!!
2. tell m that meeting with the counselor as mediator is a yes probably a yes.
3. i need that hat anyway.
4. i think last time i was in the building was switching my meds, or upping them because i was home for the holidaze. and we had a joint session there at some point.
5. almost told you to medicate yourself.
6. almost told you just don't talk to me anymore. cut contact if you're gonna cut contact. just quit FUCKIN' HASSLIN' MEEE
7. seriously.
8. maybe next time i'll have a formal dinner party, and/or get a skinnier table, so there's room to move from table to other rooms.
9. landlords inserted our storms today. i mean husband, wife, and son. and the son was not too keen to be there. i could relate. but also, if i ever talked like that to my mom SHE WOULD SUGGEST A JOINT COUNSELING SESSION

my bike was stolen on september 14th, and recovered a few days after. i have yet to hear anyone's opinion on when i recover it :(

Actually

ate a tenderloin last night - I barely ever eat a steak! The last time was at bread and cup. So, uh, the steak was good/crazy bc it had bacon and blue cheese "crust" and before we went to JTK we drank a watermelon four loko and then afterwards we went's to J's and drank a cranberry lemonade four loko. E fell asleep at a mid late night time but i stayed up past one (?) forced myself to bed and just now woke up.
This. Is an account. Of my night. Minus the fact that we also got D'Leon's at some point. ha
gotta figure out what i'm bringing to first thanksgiving.
kyle (and others) reading tomorrow, anybody wanna be my poetry date? c'mon c'mon

oh and baby keeps vomiting up food and sometimes mucous...boston/pug thing? or sick thing? he keep jumpin' around like he's fine...

HELLO EVERYONE

things
things
things
i haven't been on here in a ways
das racist
werk
paranormal activity 2
got my first gardasil shot 2day
it burned
ho ho ho
gardasil
now a recommended vaccination in the adult vaccination schedule! now something my insurance covers! thanks, insurance. thank you.

WHERE IS MY BIKE

1. i have a house
2. i borrow eric's bike already, i was wanting a new "my own" bike already
3. i'm not drunk
4. no one was killed for the bike
5. the apartment had a small kitchen
6. and so on and so on

sh*tty days

"bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch"
it is probably not a good idea to follow up shitty work day completion
with a small amount of forced starvation and biking
and a rushed preparation and slurping up of dinner
and then an apartment viewing ready to rent with the news of "so sorry, i just rented it"
bitch bitch bitch bitch

bc you didn't even want it sooo much but now YOU CAN NEVER HAVE IT. and nothing is available now but cracker jack boxes. and i have no hope.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
and i'm so tired. but my bike has been, apparently, stolen. and kan said he'd help get another but UGH UGH UGH.

oh and the four glasses of port. sober just in time for bed and bike news just
in time to freak out about the apartment again, though i'd thought myself calm.
just enough to let out all the everything i'd been taunting myself with, to tears, in the car.
breaths
some breaths
and faster breathing.

just
fucking
sweat all over
everything
why don't you.


and i don't write poems. i haven't written any poems. i can't not think about all of the ways i am failing and how i was supposed to go to that movie tonight.

i, actually, texted my mom about the apt and the movie. i am renting! i am seeing! and then had to ruin the both of those.

whatever

well

how do i not write shitty poems?!

There are things about me you don't know

like I stuffed a bunch of toilet paper in my loafers this morning to absorb the violent sweating of my feet on the walk to pick up the donated baguettes.
all my clothes hang off my body oddly & I sweat in my sleep even so much so I don't like to sleep in underwear or anything.
& I bite the skin on my hands till I bleed on my paperwork and get embarrassed. & I keep keep picking at it biting and clipping with scissors even.
My stomach lumps and bulges like a gut he calls my sexy. wants it let out of the shorts he says I wear too high on the waist he says "let out the sexy" and pulls them down.
& the toilet paper clung & clumped & shredded on my feet & in my shoes & made a mess but did seem to help somewhat.
This slime in here could cradle you & repel you & consume you. you could hide in the fat of my folds _ in the folds of my clothes _ crumple up with the disintegrating toilet paper in my shoes.

Do I remind you of my mother?

Will you then buy a dog for me? i'll invite your whole family to get in the stew with mine but you don't like that you tell them not to come until next weekend.

It is my fault the potatoes weren't finished & perfect & it is my fault her father didn't love her. that could have been the moment. or at least that's how she sang it.
she is all curves in the body. these wind & twist into sharp jabbering bits when she's speaking.

her mind's a fucking canal that takes you nowhere nice.
& there are no gondolas. & there is no god. & all you do is pray or grab her hair. you have to love her you're the only one who will.



*******************************************************************

I say to you "hello dearling"
I fantasize we lay down on the bed and the scarf is tied around your eyes and you're left to guess where I'm kissing you. Is that your neck, for instance?





I am kissing the elbows you walk on. I am kissing your ribcage as it disintegrates. I made it through orientation. I love love love love love






***********************************************************************
Quarters

Dies inside_______________a drifter
not coming on
to anyone I am sorry you thought
I'd tell you anything
true, i'm sorry I called___________my boss
___________________________________a liar and asked
___________________________________for another quarter

He will not call you back
for nine days. you will call
and be told "i was
disconcerted. i was struck
dumb and just so you know we can only
afford to pay you .25 more.
you weren't
trained in Europe__________________afterall."
and besides that a bitch.


I can't afford
throwing text towards you
any longer. or comparing
the spots there and there.

you're a child I want to allow
the controlling of me for a minute.
and you're not mine, child.
wouldn't that be wrong_____________it's wrong
no matter what I do. no matter
what i do it's wrong

& I love still. & I tear still.
& I rip myself open & split
& am trussed together
again. I showed you. But you only
know a quarter of the story.

who wants to go swimming with retro suit?! i have retro suit.

you can't trust me you can't trust me you can't trust me because I will be ALL ABOUT eating you alive, and will feel bad about it half to two thirds of the way through but by then you are already HALFWAY EATEN*.

what you gonna do then?
nothing mothafucker nothing.

I won't really eat you I won't even bite you but I might be mean or try to be funny or something and then feel real bad about it like I HURT YOU
Hay-zeus-christo. Mother yes Mother mother mothery

I do want to smother you a little no
not as in suffocate but just I want to smother you
in jam? In rhubarb jam? A little whip?






Arrived: two dresses from mod cloth today
not. sure. if-i-like-themmmm
well, if they like my body and are good on me/will behave.

Still to arrive: new glasses



*you may be, possibly, mayyyybe are 2/3 of the way eaten

What's beautiful

makes you a mythical creature I use too much.
The dog looks like Falkor
Is licking at blood on its leg
Is stretching.
Doing crooked face and dragging its body along
the rug with it's front paws pulling.
We cooked what looked like the hungry hungry caterpillar,
making baked kale again, or maybe some sort of grub - salted and heated and oily and wilting like the leaves. It's a forest out there. I mean it's a garden. But it's not really just the plants. Things are dirty in there really dirty. They've got life all over them and you taste it when it's entering you.

stop being boring and really be something with pink lips and cut hair and good poems really inventive and magical delicious poems and then I'll bake you all the kale I promise it'll be so perfect and crunching down on it.

Do you remember the flooding before your nap? Flooded down to the toes through the entire lower body and then later flashes.
I thought you were making the noise of a raven at me or said raven or cawed but I just breathed differently to let you know I knew you.

Whaddaya know!

I'm an introvert!

It storms. This morning was a rainbow and a bug up my nose. Oh fug.
And a too short dress a bit bit
and then Mary Kay "free facial"s
not so facial, i mean, not so much
i didn't buy anything or get anything
much out of it

And then grits

And teeth.

new laptop. New conversation with my mother
who called me with my brother's phone to make me answer

better
better
better

i wish someone knew and could tell me
all the answers to any questions__like why this sudden socket

or sodden. from where.
there hasn't been a lot of typing__what so
without the caboose and without Maude to make it

so so. Sew you. Sew pieces
with threading
with needling

sew lovely little birdy's bones
sew
chew.















we'll chew the lads into completion
and out of this mass. we'll roil within
and boil our skin until ready and sold

so for vending.







what was sylvia plath thinking
you could ask. you could ask all the questions
be answered. all there is

pieces of days combed into a life
this is happening__now
we are happening.

in the bedroom__behind walls
that small

space of mold on the ceiling turned floor.
the blackening and the swamp
there. where it's happening.

your wet life. your wetting. your beautiful skin cells
are shedding.

Oh wow

it's been a bit since I authored that last little whatnot.
But whatever. I'm living the real life.



Your apricots are skin
-crawling. Stop motion

animation. I mean the folds.
And folding. I mean the nudity.

Never
on the couch. Never finish

on the floor.
Where we've walked and walked. You know mothers.

Teaching their children. In the supermarket.
You see them putting the objects back
in all the wrong pockets. And checking. And checking out.

sometimes i think myself a self-hating woman
you know. like a self-hating mexican. my grandmother is a self-hating woman.
ugh. don't read this, myfamily. i just remember talking about it with my mom when i was a kid. and this is always the point in the thoughts where i recount my dad saying
we could ne-ver have a woman president, are you kidding~~ with the monthlies?! you can't leave them next to the nuclear button. you know, that button that you press and the whole world gets nuked

can you
just give me all of the music

i've been biking a lot lately
and watching historical fiction or
action films or
fantasy

i listen to the harry potter books online on youtube
in reverse
and i swear i'd thought i'd read that sirius died but he's alive and it's not because of the backwards
at least not this backwards
=
i don't know where i'm going with the race relations

that is why we are friends
and that is why it is hard for us to be friends
*******

watched "bram stoker's dracula" (92) with gary oldman, winona ryder, keanu, and antony hopkins
i no longer care if i'm spelling correctly is a lie for which i'll later pay penance.
oh, also, the man from the princess bride and the first saw movie.

so it was very obvious in its iterations and its green fog, and yes one adaptation among soooo many, but it was nice (after all the true blooding and twilighting etc) to see some version where the vamp must still be vanquished. is humanized but monster, truly. which was lost in the translation to tv of true blood particularly. love is a feeling it can get you past blood and monstrosity but love cannot overcome death.

oh the long, luxurious hair of dracul --!

I was off

had dreams we had to move to portland before we could move to kansas city. kristin says if she got preg she'd deal with it meaning, she'd carry. give birth and support resulting baby. i'd "take care of it."
what would you do?
what would you do?
get up on my feet and stop making

I remember

lyin' in the wet grass...is what your latest title made me think of.
I was off
right now H arry Potter is silently screaming nooooooooooo

Also, Oh man Ralph Fiennes
I had no idea.

So Eric

finally presented me with cuttlefish sculpture for necklace or brooch, last night, and i glued eyes on today (hip-hoppedy-happy belated anniversary!!) right? right. f*cking absatively!

til i carried it to payless and then super saver and then hobby lobby
where we picked out some brooch pins and hair combs and i then proceeded to drop/break off it's cuttle-face.
f*ck.
me!
i ruined christmas.

oh

mandala

Oh you beautiful!

All you little beautifuls! And your beautiful beautiful
hair lengths!
If only you could see the image of the chou farci in this book here now. If only I had the goose fat ready to make the stewed broad beans. If only. Last night I was in there and loving every beautiful. Is that what wine does? But the whole day was a beautiful. Maybe I blame* Anne Carson. Or the fact of the air, warm, close to my skin and caressing. Isn't the air just a beautiful beautiful?




*thank

Talents

spending an inordinate amount of time googling cures to my faults. Or sources. Taking stabs at any number of life's many mysteries.
"social anxiety disorder"
"what's the difference between social anxiety and shyness"
"does raw onion make you thirsty"
on the last, directed to a forum, where someone said their grandad had taught them that a woman's pussy tastes like onion and also how to kill a man in one motion. (or something, some such similarity)
Today I spoke with the Mayor of Humboldt.

I'm just not

that kind of girl.

***boilerboilerboilerboilerboiler****

obviously

my blog is amunderful.

[graphic, sexual, and hermaphroditic. dream.
i'll let you make up your own little fictions.]

i told carlin that i'd heard the boiler room was not that great
but then i looked it up and i'm not entirely sure i was referencing the same place

i mean, it looks good

i just can't remember
w/e it was my mom relayed a lackluster experience she and my dad'd had
those foodies. those

foodies

you might be accursed and afflicted with/by candida
if you crave all sorts of sugary bready
and comforting things like wine
and a nice aged cheese and any fruit or cake.

on the other hand

I'm only joking

when I make little jokes to you
on here

You are dead.

I mean, you died.
You're particles.
And finally.
He is

afterall

the only rabbit I'd thought to follow.

Under bushes through
bramble

Whatever bramble is

leads
to the trenches.

She's creaking
without your use. Leaking
from the elbows. Needs
a good greasing. To get up

to look through the window.
You are still and always

in a small pouch. Enclosed
in plastic, then velvet.
Couched in the console.




(what i probably would write now if asked instead of what i wrote then, presented, me in black yoga pants and an orange wrap top. to a funeral?)

funereal.

Tonight's Movie

Splendor in the Grass. Recommended because I "really liked" (via Netflix) The Lover. Different movies. I love the retro. Early 90's depicting colonial Indochina/60's-ish depiction of the Great Depression Era.
Ended up liking Splendor MORE than The Lover because it does twist and build to a final thesis point that isn't too dumb and/or predictable and...I can't compare the emotional state at the end of each female lead cause I'll RUIN it(!)
And they're both doing things (the films). There are questionable aspects re: feminism and whatnot
which I won't get into right now because not all of us have taken women's studies courses and I can't dumb down my analysis for you, Kyle.
"you're a nice girl"

"I'm NOT a nice girl! I'm not! I don't have any pride!"

but everyone's so beautiful and put together with the wasp waists and also, in Splendor, there is less child/man type sexy love and less of an issue of race. Sigh. Those poor whites.
There is no sexy love. God. Yes. BUt
watch these two movies two nights in a row and see how you are also affected.

Wrote-a-poem

about goats.

I'm trying on working again and seeing what's up world what's up with this writing and such




Um, omg my cupcakes are delicious. And will be to/for anyone in attendance at Oscar Party CMDorr 010!!!

I've watched all the vids now, I think, excluding Avatar and Up.
F*ck yeah excluding Avatar. But maybe try to watch it for free on the internets stripped of any 3D charm or big time visual awesomeness ?

annie get yer goat

!!!

Let's get sexist!

quick, name something that we can get sexist about.




i want to go to portland. i want to leave now. this is me catching up to amandar's already development pre-senior year of college. this is me figuring out how to write novels (not)maybe

but i am wanting portland, and badly. what's the difference when i'm not with a plan for my life anyway and the family shit is so utterly f*cked and sore? continually. plus. i want 3 buck chuck and f*cking cheap cranberry crusted goat cheese logs.

i have spoken on here about goats before and you all should know what portland means. goats. cheese. ocean. not f*cking nebraska. let's go.

there is this plan

where, in between the not leaving the house but for chancedly and randomish,
and between workings, i work on writing, create this great piece of money-making scheme
fully researched

working title -- a zombie love story


did i meantion (i mean
mean to mention. will mention.) that i love creating the facebook event and then watching, refreshing, for people to make their respondings?

i make up words like an anyone, motherfucks. and curse with the love of them. that's a pixie way of putting it. like a cut. not the hair, but it's hard to grow out bangs when they keep as un-evening selves.
- needing side trims - changing lengths what with the parting on which side.

i forgot how distracting it gets.
the accoutrements of performing woman.
but also something easyish
just to rub a little cream in the strands and twirl it and pat it a bit and then mostly just leave it to hang from my head. twirling into tiny buns at back or taking the bangs up away from the face in my couch time. at the desk time.

ways to make pretend

Rachael is listening

to New Moon audio book via YouTube. part 96. That Bella Swan sure is one ugly idiot. At least that's what she keeps telling me.
And she can't catch on to ANYthing -!
Leach-lover-vampire-wannabe! What a damn scuz. Just look at this perty ol scuzzz----

"when i told you i didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy..." "...his face paler than it's usual pale..."

"If i was going to rip myself up further, i might as well get as much in trade as possible. So i kissed him back, my heart pounding out a jagged, disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned to panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face. I could feel his marble body against every line of mine and I was so glad he hadn't listened to me...'by the way, he said in a casual tone, 'I'm not leaving you'"

wowwwww just
wowwwww. blackest blasphemy. yes. this is all very optimal.

E is the best

in the universe at,
you know,
alla everythin'.

Y b4 E

have a sense of humor maybe or parties.
Whichever one got me to the breaded fried seitan
and waffles, I'm glad.
Whichever fauxsplosion and friends another
year older.
Another No No
No wiser. Still hardly am able
to answer a phone. Or perform the doing of things pronounced.

You're breading is wetting and sticking
in the maple syrup.
Your waffle is vegan
with an essence of almond vanilla. You're lifting your knees
to a ceiling, and still

It's getting ridiculous

I'm going to have to go after that carton of ice cream. Bus man: "this is the railroad stop" pause. "and this
is the street stop"
i know i know i know once you told me stop don't get out
okay
okay
okay fine fine

it's all so fine it's a great
job and i do all the tasks and everyone loves me.
right.


right.

rite lite tite nite
stormy story that's a great
story i'm
so mean to you oh -
- ho! la funny. la
bo peep. la answer. l'

will not cure hiccups:

1. seeing e naked
2. drinking water upside-down, followed by shot of vodka, followed by lick pomegranate molasses off of finger.

just because

the cute bank teller laughs and says "awww, you're so funny!"
does NOT mean she's flirting with you.

or...wants to "do" you...graaaaaaah.

no matter how many dum dums end up in your little black bank tube.




graaaaaaah means a slap.

Thumbs up

Ralph Nader!

So this guy

asks me do I have a cell phone
yeah
and can I call him to make sure his phone's working
okay, 402?
and then I'm like oh man wait this is a little weird but I'm already calling him and now he has my number.

Experiment

Experiment.


A. You'll rot your teeth out

B. You'll shoot your teeth out

C. Your teeth will shoot out through your eyes, like stars, when the zombie apocalypse happens.

D. It's okay to scream without eyelids.

Q: Who said scream?
A: Scream was released in 1996 by a misanthropic company now known as The-Jews-Couldn't-Stop-It. There weren't any zombies in that country.

E. Jude Law was going to produce a sequel once everyone was dead but the zombies. He did all his own stunts including the one where he couldn't come unless the girl came but had no idea how to manufacture.

F. Couldn't tell at all.

G. If it happened it wouldn't have mattered because Jude Law's cock was already being sandblasted clean of Jewess-Zombie guts.

H. He liked to think of it as shaped like any dry socket or any tree stump's tiny hole.

I. He liked pretending he could dissolve to fit into any place without so much as an episode.

I AM A TOOL

and also so white. And a tool. All day:

bus worrrrrrrrrrrrrk bus hooome.

(adding sodium to the low sodium vegetable juice shooting it
making bechamel for dinner turning it into mornay)

Siren outside. Did anyone else see these today ? Is anyone going to be downtown tomorrow?
I don't know if I can make it. It's cold. And I'm also a douche. Sry Kyle.

It's a hard

year to be new

_*edit*_____________________________________________
But not really
in a negative sense.

Because it always is sometimes hard to be a person and to get it right and you just have to tell yourself you learned things. You've been rescued. No one had ordered a burger and it wasn't anything you or the waitress did, sir; I'm sorry, we have a ride. It's got to be tough to be working on New Years or any holiday, really. It's snowing again. I could not survive in the wilderness. I think I would cry myself into an ice tower of helplessness. Oh man.

But I ate half of half of a duck last night and am finally sewing this obese goodwill dress into a normal dress after buying it last summer. last YEAR!