don't go over or under as long as you're here.

you can't trust these motherfuckers. eat
cans of pineapple and avoid the bridges.

Curried Ginger Butternut Squash Soup

1 small onion, chopped
1 tbsp oil
1 garlic clove, minced
2 inches fresh ginger, grated
1/2 tsp. garam masala (or mix of 1/2 tsp each cumin and black pepper, and 1/8 tsp each cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, and clove)
1/4 tsp. curry powder
1 medium potato, chopped
2 cups butternut squash, peeled and cubed (or one baked butternut squash, flesh scooped out)
2 cups vegetable stock
salt to taste

In a medium soup pot on medium heat, saute the onions in oil till translucent. Add the garlic, ginger, garam masala, and curry powder; saute for 2 minutes, stirring often to avoid sticking. Add the potatoes, squash, and stock. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat. Simmer for 15-25 minutes or until vegetables are tender. With a hand blender or food processor, blend half or all of the soup until smooth (be careful when blending hot liquids and slowly increase blending speed). Return to pot, reheat, and serve.

love-ly

Wolf Blitzer mentioning just having put up one of his daily blog posts
makes me think of my grandma bragging about her daily b.m.

No, really.

i think it's because i can't stop thinking about you

i don't

that thought of

i should have written a blog
instead of emailing.

broadcast my thoughts to everyone
who does or doesn't will or won't

read this. the breeze picks up and i
am not reading that book i

proofread (past tense) laurus again and found
more issues. i find read and all its forms

to be troublesome. rattling keys outside
and an accidental caps lock caught here

and taken. i'm separated by a screen and really
what would the difference be. i can't fight this.

wouldn't like to. i just keep typing and thinking
or something - keep processing all of these

signals signs and indicators. you make me
feel things or i make myself. i let myself

allow you. all these permissions granted
and how i love it how it makes me tense up

ready to flinch ready to back away and pretend
again again. it's hard to be real and to speak

your heart. what's in a heart. and i don't know why
she suggests an obliteration of "this" in a poem.

i love this. i love impreciseness and ambiguity
and the removal of this ... i disagree and i never feel
right (rights).

i feel alive between bouts of head ache and uncertainty.
when the wind gusts.
i want this very much to work.

It's you you you

all telling me things and being and doing
and it threatens me but i'm better because of.


i keep looking at her profile her husband her baby
her face and
i really don't remember what my life.


has been would be.


period or exclamation mark or how
to punctuate how to turn pixels from pixels
to thoughts


my left side is the cut upon


my right eye lost an eyelash
once or twice
every day for 21 years

that's how old i am
this just goes to show
that meeting for pizza
can make your stomach
fizz or creak. i have furniture
in there but no child ( i haven't
eaten humans yet) what's the difference
between puppy baby cow meat?

i don't know. club seals or club sandwiches.
he wrapped an american flag round his head
quit showering and grabbed a computer


i'd grapple with you if i cared more if i cared
in the right sort of way. i'm too centered
in me. i think we all are, but maybe just
because that's who i am and my being of me
leads my belief. i incur debt
never, death
daily.



you are a lawn ornament or you could be
if you'd answer your phone if you'd stop
lying through omission (this goes out also
to me) because



i think you get it. i really think you get it.

Things you think are good until

waking up.

I love you so much I can't say it, can't speak...

I don't know what to tell you except I need to be doing homework. Don't I always. You and your cheekbones, your jawline. There's nothing I'd rather do than stroke it than stroke these. Let's hit up happy hour at The Melting Pot, drink fancy martinis and dip things in cheese.

The ministry that I run...Christ really helped me. Oh did he. I'm glad you got over being a child star. These things that we go through. These places we are. I don't think you'd notice if the dress didn't fit if I sunk in the floor of the hall. Consuming adequate amounts of fiber should be the shared concern we sink in.

Really. I think that I've lived a lot of my life inside. Without friends or which of these have been my friends? I love you so much I can't speak.

you glean what you will from anything and go with it

me. "truth and falsity in an ultramoral sense." the comfort i tried to glean,
thinking nothing meant anything anyway.
what it means now,
we all are fools. why say what you do not mean
intentionally? why sever this connection all the more
between you (visceral) and you (an intellect). i am one
person. all i can do is act and then recount
it. all i do now is wait. and cry. wait to cry and in which way.
i don't think this was all my doing in that i didn't choose
to be born but i can take responsibility for my actions
and wait to see where your brain has taken you.

i'm sad. i think. i miss you. it's difficult for me
to concentrate on other things, but important to try
because i do not know where your brain is taking you - where you
are taking you. i've already been given much more
than i hoped for. from this point anything positive
is extra.

have finished with crying

for now, will proceed to homework and a potential class-skipping tomorrow.

Food crisis

in the rest of the world and salmonella in cereals here. The good
old
U.S.
of A.
You must take shots with the good
hardworking american people with guns then
take shots at him for being elitist. The good
people will not be so good when there's social unrest
because of a lack of food. Turmoil in Egypt. Bread
for three meals and the government
distributing such. Global prices of food increase and I can't think
of what to do with myself. We need population control
or less money-run policy. Does this make sense? Does it make you
sensate? I just know
that I rarely appreciate having been born where
when
who I was
-am. Shave costs. Shrink portions. Maybe Americans will
finally revert to depression era waistlines...just do it. There's a man mowing
outside. I need to get another job.

Fast

bitten off finger bits can *cough*
can *choke*

dark explodes dark as you
changed

provokes sweat provokes more
heart

beats per minute biting
off pieces

of fingers a lot to avoid
drilling holes in

the minutes don't count once
you count

them.

drinking is bad for you

i have a bruise on my back and my knee from falling down while throwing up and e is upset with me.

i think i have a pattern of not recognizing the consequences of my actions or not realizing that my actions can have consequences. i need to address this.

god i need to lighten up.

this is all.

what cannot be mistaken

this continuing sadness that dream of a Chinese husband
cornering me in the covers the clear sky night stars telescope
never use these wonderful things these friends we cannot
number

mistake means wanting what hasn't been there means asking
means take
oatmeal gets cold while dissecting a life my only
time tries to improve but cannot linger so we wait
we want mistakes forgiven as umbrellas umbrella
themselves over tops of the heads of the people
walking in rain
sitting in sun

you make me

sad you make me sad you make me sad you make me sad

let's go to amsterdam or india

i don't think you're seeing clearly

what is clear  - everything

is shaped by our interpretations

and nothing is real because we're 

entrenched in it - so entrenched as to never be able to know it

perception falls prey

I want my check plus plus to mean

I like to see how people see themselves. Perception's such a funny little thing, running around with our minds captive...the TV static clings. I hate when dresses do but I love dresses - I told this to the girl in the bathroom last night.

We mock the serious nature of anti-drug commercials together we get dressed up.

C, why don't you moderate? This won't make sense to you - I don't want it to. I don't want to be the one in class not knowing not learning not being an active participant. And yet I drink or do things other than read/become intelligent. I do things anti-mywant. I do things anti-good; but still think I'm okay because of the A's and because of the banging. Oh, what a word.
Why this constant game of innuendos. Why won't a word be a word.

I want I want I want I want so much but do not do
I do not do
Neither do you
It made me mad, what you said, what the both of you said - making a trio of ignorant angering stupid stupid creatures acting as if they deserve. I do not deserve. We get what we get and that's that (it's not ours for forever - just barely for now).

J and L together
hilarity
clothespins...

Can you not?

I hate the waiting
for bleeding. It seems so
19th century
or biblical even. Shouldn't we, as a civilization,
be past this? I think so. Someone
develop a drug
so I don't have to tell myself
"the fetus would be alcohol-damaged
anyway" (if allowed to grow,
if it ever existed). I think
that if some egg did manage
release from the ovary,
clung to the wall,
and was fertilized - I think
I would,
at first, feel satisfactorily
full, then
freak the fuck out. Be
angry at him. For not having
to deal with it
physically. And this is why
I want to pay for his drinks
and his dinner, bake muffins
and such.

No worrying this time.
I've escaped yet again, my uterus
lining falling - more accurate:
oozing. Gross. Because something or society says so.
I've always really felt real
clean after the pink blood
turns to red and then the pain
in my legs
in the opening
everywhere. Like a soreness after
exercise, an accomplishment
of existence of continued cycling
and this is why I don't see time
as linear
this is why i remember spring memories
in spring
and other seasons other times. This makes
my memories out of line for others
and leads me to tag by scent by light
instead of logic. Maybe this is why I remember
everything you've ever said/why you cannot
relinquish.

oh you are my life

or a part of my life i'm obsessed with the internet with computers i can't stop typing or clicking or trying to find out who's thinking about me talking to me through typing in my general direction...alpha oops...now i have you...if you can catch me. oh blood oh super sonic guns. where the hell do these words come from. his spine is exposed he's still talking. black hair. eye patch. i bought an eye patch the other day.