1. i have a house
2. i borrow eric's bike already, i was wanting a new "my own" bike already
3. i'm not drunk
4. no one was killed for the bike
5. the apartment had a small kitchen
6. and so on and so on

sh*tty days

"bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch"
it is probably not a good idea to follow up shitty work day completion
with a small amount of forced starvation and biking
and a rushed preparation and slurping up of dinner
and then an apartment viewing ready to rent with the news of "so sorry, i just rented it"
bitch bitch bitch bitch

bc you didn't even want it sooo much but now YOU CAN NEVER HAVE IT. and nothing is available now but cracker jack boxes. and i have no hope.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
and i'm so tired. but my bike has been, apparently, stolen. and kan said he'd help get another but UGH UGH UGH.

oh and the four glasses of port. sober just in time for bed and bike news just
in time to freak out about the apartment again, though i'd thought myself calm.
just enough to let out all the everything i'd been taunting myself with, to tears, in the car.
breaths
some breaths
and faster breathing.

just
fucking
sweat all over
everything
why don't you.


and i don't write poems. i haven't written any poems. i can't not think about all of the ways i am failing and how i was supposed to go to that movie tonight.

i, actually, texted my mom about the apt and the movie. i am renting! i am seeing! and then had to ruin the both of those.

whatever

well

how do i not write shitty poems?!

There are things about me you don't know

like I stuffed a bunch of toilet paper in my loafers this morning to absorb the violent sweating of my feet on the walk to pick up the donated baguettes.
all my clothes hang off my body oddly & I sweat in my sleep even so much so I don't like to sleep in underwear or anything.
& I bite the skin on my hands till I bleed on my paperwork and get embarrassed. & I keep keep picking at it biting and clipping with scissors even.
My stomach lumps and bulges like a gut he calls my sexy. wants it let out of the shorts he says I wear too high on the waist he says "let out the sexy" and pulls them down.
& the toilet paper clung & clumped & shredded on my feet & in my shoes & made a mess but did seem to help somewhat.
This slime in here could cradle you & repel you & consume you. you could hide in the fat of my folds _ in the folds of my clothes _ crumple up with the disintegrating toilet paper in my shoes.

Do I remind you of my mother?

Will you then buy a dog for me? i'll invite your whole family to get in the stew with mine but you don't like that you tell them not to come until next weekend.

It is my fault the potatoes weren't finished & perfect & it is my fault her father didn't love her. that could have been the moment. or at least that's how she sang it.
she is all curves in the body. these wind & twist into sharp jabbering bits when she's speaking.

her mind's a fucking canal that takes you nowhere nice.
& there are no gondolas. & there is no god. & all you do is pray or grab her hair. you have to love her you're the only one who will.



*******************************************************************

I say to you "hello dearling"
I fantasize we lay down on the bed and the scarf is tied around your eyes and you're left to guess where I'm kissing you. Is that your neck, for instance?





I am kissing the elbows you walk on. I am kissing your ribcage as it disintegrates. I made it through orientation. I love love love love love






***********************************************************************
Quarters

Dies inside_______________a drifter
not coming on
to anyone I am sorry you thought
I'd tell you anything
true, i'm sorry I called___________my boss
___________________________________a liar and asked
___________________________________for another quarter

He will not call you back
for nine days. you will call
and be told "i was
disconcerted. i was struck
dumb and just so you know we can only
afford to pay you .25 more.
you weren't
trained in Europe__________________afterall."
and besides that a bitch.


I can't afford
throwing text towards you
any longer. or comparing
the spots there and there.

you're a child I want to allow
the controlling of me for a minute.
and you're not mine, child.
wouldn't that be wrong_____________it's wrong
no matter what I do. no matter
what i do it's wrong

& I love still. & I tear still.
& I rip myself open & split
& am trussed together
again. I showed you. But you only
know a quarter of the story.

who wants to go swimming with retro suit?! i have retro suit.

you can't trust me you can't trust me you can't trust me because I will be ALL ABOUT eating you alive, and will feel bad about it half to two thirds of the way through but by then you are already HALFWAY EATEN*.

what you gonna do then?
nothing mothafucker nothing.

I won't really eat you I won't even bite you but I might be mean or try to be funny or something and then feel real bad about it like I HURT YOU
Hay-zeus-christo. Mother yes Mother mother mothery

I do want to smother you a little no
not as in suffocate but just I want to smother you
in jam? In rhubarb jam? A little whip?






Arrived: two dresses from mod cloth today
not. sure. if-i-like-themmmm
well, if they like my body and are good on me/will behave.

Still to arrive: new glasses



*you may be, possibly, mayyyybe are 2/3 of the way eaten

What's beautiful

makes you a mythical creature I use too much.
The dog looks like Falkor
Is licking at blood on its leg
Is stretching.
Doing crooked face and dragging its body along
the rug with it's front paws pulling.
We cooked what looked like the hungry hungry caterpillar,
making baked kale again, or maybe some sort of grub - salted and heated and oily and wilting like the leaves. It's a forest out there. I mean it's a garden. But it's not really just the plants. Things are dirty in there really dirty. They've got life all over them and you taste it when it's entering you.

stop being boring and really be something with pink lips and cut hair and good poems really inventive and magical delicious poems and then I'll bake you all the kale I promise it'll be so perfect and crunching down on it.

Do you remember the flooding before your nap? Flooded down to the toes through the entire lower body and then later flashes.
I thought you were making the noise of a raven at me or said raven or cawed but I just breathed differently to let you know I knew you.