sh*tty days

"bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch"
it is probably not a good idea to follow up shitty work day completion
with a small amount of forced starvation and biking
and a rushed preparation and slurping up of dinner
and then an apartment viewing ready to rent with the news of "so sorry, i just rented it"
bitch bitch bitch bitch

bc you didn't even want it sooo much but now YOU CAN NEVER HAVE IT. and nothing is available now but cracker jack boxes. and i have no hope.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
and i'm so tired. but my bike has been, apparently, stolen. and kan said he'd help get another but UGH UGH UGH.

oh and the four glasses of port. sober just in time for bed and bike news just
in time to freak out about the apartment again, though i'd thought myself calm.
just enough to let out all the everything i'd been taunting myself with, to tears, in the car.
breaths
some breaths
and faster breathing.

just
fucking
sweat all over
everything
why don't you.


and i don't write poems. i haven't written any poems. i can't not think about all of the ways i am failing and how i was supposed to go to that movie tonight.

i, actually, texted my mom about the apt and the movie. i am renting! i am seeing! and then had to ruin the both of those.

whatever